Wednesday, January 20, 2010

From my heart!

Things have been such a whirlwind lately. We had a wonderful Christmas and New Year! We celebrated my sweet Kiley's fifth birthday on January 6 and my husband turned 32 on January 17! In the middle of all of this, Josh and I found out that I was pregnant...SUPRISE! We had discussed having another baby but we were in no way trying to get pregnant. Evidentally God's plan previals and His timing is not ours! Once the shock wore off, Josh and I were so excited at the thought of having another baby! We told the girls and Kiley was ecstatic! She kept telling Lily that she was going to be a big sister just like her! My girls really melt my heart...they are just so precious!

I started having some cramping and low back pain but didn't think too much about it since I was not bleeding. I called the doctor to see if it was normal and they wanted me to come in for a sonogram to make sure I wasn't having a tubal pregnancy. What happened next I was not prepared for. This is my third pregnancy so I know what to look for on the screen during a sonogram. I saw a black hole (gestational sac) with only a tiny dot inside...what the nurse called an "unidentifiable spot". According to how far I think I should be...I would have been 6 to 7 weeks but according to the measurements and the fact that there was no baby or heartbeat I was only between 4 and 5 weeks. I seriously thought I was going to pass out...i just knew something didn't look right. I was told that either my dates are wrong or that the baby was not developing and that I am going to lose the pregnancy. I lost it...I did. My first thoughts were "how do we find out"..."what needs to be done"..."I need an answer NOW"!! I was told that only time can tell and to come back in two weeks for another sonogram and hopefully my dates are off and at that point we should be able to see a yolk sac and hopefully a heartbeat. TWO WEEKS...are you kidding me! They said that cramping can sometimes be a warning sign and that I need to take it easy, drink a lot of water and rest...with TWO kids!

I went home that evening and cried and cried and cried! I can't even grasp the reality that my baby may not make it. I begged and pleaded with God to heal the baby and let this be a normal pregnancy. I am praying with all of my heart that my dates are off and that the next sonogram will show a healthy pregnancy. I am trying to think positive but I also know in the back of my mind that something could be wrong. I have never felt so helpless in my life...this is something I have no control over and all I want is for the baby to be okay. I have had to give this completely to God...afterall...He is the one kniting this sweet baby inside of me!

Please be praying for Josh and I and the baby! We are in desperate need of strength and peace as we wait to find out what the outcome will be. I hesitated sharing this with anyone but the way I see it...the more people praying the better! Thank you so much!

These are a few verses that have been in my mind constantly the last few days:

Psalm 139:13-14
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

1 Samuel 1:27
"I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him"

Jeremiah 1:5
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..."

Ephesians 3:20
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine..."

Psalm 37:4
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart"

Psalm 18:2
"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and my salvation, my stronghold."


The Wilsons said...

Oh wow! I am so sorry for all this! Amanda, I am praying for you and Josh! I cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling! Please keep us updated and let us know if there is anything we can do!